dedicated to all parents and parent-to-be. Yes YOU!

Assalamualaikum wrt wbt..

I just had an emotional Sociology class today.

We were entering Chapter 13 in the book: Family. A topic which can means 'nothing' to some people, or 'something' to others..

It's definitely something to the professor...

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There are 7 Competent Parenting techniques, developed by a famous person (I failed to jot down the name =P). And they are:

1- Notice what your child is doing

This essentially means - stop everything else you're busy doing, and pay undivided attention to your child, especially during their infant years, and of course during the hard years.

2- Being able to see behaviors as they emerge by keeping track behaviors across time

Again - stop what you're busy doing, and give undivided attention to your children. Most parents failed to fulfill this as they are fully-occupied with their career life. Which is wrong! Parents have to watch their child and their child's behavior. Children do not behave 'all of the sudden' without any reason. For example, children do not develop tantrum suddenly unless something is bothering them. And it is parents' responsibility to recognize this behavior, why is it occurring and treat them. Or ideally, parents have to recognize this behavior at early stage before it becomes a habit to the child. Parents can stop the tantrum from being such and lead the energy to something positive. All of these require undivided attention from the parents.

tantrum

3- Act as you want your child to act, and don't act as you don't want your child to act

Children copy what their parents do and say. Parenting doesn't mean you have the privilege to do whatever you want to do when you're not allowed to when you were children. If you expect you children not to do something, then you don't do it, or at least don't do it in front of them (sounds hypocrite a bit). Even if it is allowed for them to do it as they get older, children don't know this and they don't wait. The professor gave example of drugs and alcohol. Many cases showed that children had their first drink not from their friends, but straight from home - their parents' drugs and alcohol. Similarly, do we expect our children to be polite and behave when we were screaming and yelling and behave oppositely as we expect them to be? Many said parenting is about disciplining the children. NO it is NOT. It is about disciplining the parents.

4 - Set realistic expectations that are age-appropriate for the child

This is important. We don't put too high bars which are inappropriate to our child's age and capability, else they will be confused, exhausted and creates disappointment. However if we put too low expectations, we are almost setting them up for failure. Putting expectations on children are like saying 'I trust you', 'I know you can do this', 'I think you are a responsible person'. It creates countless opportunity to children in developing their interpersonal skills.

5- Correct children when they don't meet our expectations

When our children did not meet our expectations, it is important that we let them know. We don't punish them physically or emotionally, instead we correct them. Ideally, the term 'spare the rod, spoil the child does not applied here. The professor gave a story of how a shepherd guards his sheep.

A flock of sheep has a guide animal in front of the group where the flock follows wherever it goes. The shepherd will usually stand in the middle or at the back of the flock, and holds a shepherd's rod. He uses this rod to touch the guide animal, at its left side or right side so it will go to that direction and the flock will follow. This is how the shepherd guides his flock of sheep. Now, imagine if he hits the guide animal with this rod. The guide animal will be scared and run away. And what happens to the flock? They will scatter away --exactly what will happen to children if we hit them.

If a child was hit, he will be scared and tend to conceal his behaviors from you. When this happen, you will not know their true behavior and thus you are not able to correct them. If you make mistake, which you will always do, humble yourself to your child and ask for forgiveness, and never do it again. A child remembers.

6- Affirm children when they meet our expectations

When children meets our expectations, we acknowledge them by reward. A reward doesn't have to be stuff, a reward is more rewarding by showing emotions. Say 'Good job', 'Keep it up', 'I am proud of you'. Children appreciate these words a lot compared to tangible stuff. I agree with this 200%

7- Deal with your child at THE moment (immediate), act as it never happen

If anything happens to your children, your children did something, good or bad, you have to deal with them at the moment. Correct them, and act as it never happen. And if something similar to it happen again which it will always do, do not say the past. The past is past. Don't say to them 'you did this yesterday, 5 days ago, last year..'. Just deal with the issue at that moment, and redeem.

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Why did I say it's an emotional class?

Because the professor broke down and cried at point no. 5 until the end of class.

She lost her only son. He died at least 1 year back.

Seeing her like that, and anything about family always breaks my heart - I broke down into tears also..